The Dark Moon: Mind Phases

 

After the happy dance, beyond the sweet tears and excitement, and after the celebration and revelry came the rainbow hangover and I fell into a pit of my own demons! I thought winning money would give me freedom, but it turns out I was being held back by my shackles of my mind.

I’ve devised a list of the biggest symptoms.

1. Paranoia
Before the story was published in the paper I was determined to keep my secret, even though I knew all it would take was a google search on my name to find out, as I knew the lottery office had posted it online. It’s procedure, they publish everyone who wins over $10,000

I’ve heard the stories, everyone’s knows the ones ~Friends showing up from the past, unknown people claiming to be family members with strange illnesses, embezzlement and even threats.

I was sure everyone knew! In fact, I was sure everyone was plotting against me. Strangers would come in to work and they’d state “I’m having a lucky day!” well I would get defensive. “What’s that supposed to mean?!” Oh yeah, I knew they knew and I was going to catch them before they pulled any shenanigans.

Surprisingly, as I mentioned in the last post, when the news broke everyone was kind and supportive, with only a few jokes about lending money. I think I am safe!

2. Panic
It hit me like a virus. Heart palpitations, feelings of faintness and chest pains.
This is the first time in my life I was scared to die! All of a sudden all these possibilities were opened up to me and I didn’t want anything to happen to me before I got to experience it all. My panic not related to any strange adventure I would have, it was related to not having those adventures! Have you seen me? I am a child of the dark, I live across from the cemetery. I can’t even say how much the fear of death affects my whole counter culture existence!

Even though I may have a dark soul, I spend a lot of time working on mindfulness, but this is usually to escape my thoughts of the past. This is the first time I had to tell myself to slow down and not get too excited about the future. It was under some serious prodding that I gave my job a year’s notice. They were great about it, but honestly, every day is like molasses, which is slowly drips through a sieve. I have bought three 2018 calendars already and I am so excited to start counting down the days to Freedom 45.

3. Worthlessness
I know this is strange- for once, I was actually worth something on paper, but my mind had a hard time accepting this windfall.

I grew up with very little and I have worked very hard for everything I have. I had three jobs while putting myself through University. I lived with several roommates and went without for many yeaqrs to save a down payment for a house, in a city that at a time nobody wanted to move to, choosing to commute to Toronto in ungodly desires. Now, the area I moved to is becoming very popular and I thought this was lucky enough!
So when I won, I had a hard time believing that I deserved it. Free money every week? Me? I was asking “why not them?” every time I saw someone buying a lottery ticket. I sat up for nights wondering why and I could not help thinking I am supposed to do something special with it. What is special enough? Can I be that special?

I realized that having a relationship with money is like any other relationship. You know when your friend gets into bad relationships constantly and then when they meet a nice person they just cannot accept it? They find every reason in the book not to be with that person! The theory is that they feel they are unworthy of a good relationship.

Good thing I can’t break up with it. It will be coming to me every week, so I have to get used to it. It is probably good I didn’t win a large fortune at once, as I think I would have to get rid of it as fast as possible! Oh yeah, castle, jaguar….private jet to Hawaii with all my friends. I would blow it.

4. Manifestation
Ok seriously, if I can manifest this what will happen to my enemies?!!! I am seriously trying hard not to think bad thoughts, of any kind. Just try not to think bad thoughts!!!…..that’s when the worst ideas come!

It will take while to control this power, but I have a feeling I’m going to learn to love it.

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